Mattel caps were the best

Have I ever owned a real gun? No. Have I ever shot anyone? No. Am I a Privileged White Male who’s played with guns? You bet your ass.

Got me a hat and some cowboy boots pretty young.

Then I got me my deerskin jacket. Fringe and deer smell and all. Buttons I could barely do. But I did’em.

With the boots and the hat I was way cool.

Then I got me some six guns. When you’re young, or really little, you need two to get the equalizer effect.

I know I wasn’t fast on the draw, but two guns kept you from toppling over to one side.

And then you get older. Daddy gets you a long gun for Christmas…

Boy, did I kill some imaginary Indians and Brits with this beauty!

…but he doesn’t let on it’s a BB gun with no BBs in it. He doesn’t want you to put your eye out.

Still, stupid and backward as you are, you keep getting faster on the draw. Till you’re ready for a real gunslinger single rig, with bullets capped one by one by Mattel.

I was fast and getting faster.

Then I got to be an adult, ten going on eleven. Started wearing ties and jackets and this discreet shoulder harness. In my off-school hours I was Napoleon Solo when I wasn’t James Bond.

Yeah. Snub nose .38. Shoulder holster. $4.00 and worth every penny.

Ah, but then the world tipped over into closet underground espionage. You couldn’t even wear your shoulder holster anymore.

Most of the time it was a camera that couldn’t take pictures. Then it was a gun that could only shoot Mattel caps.

About the time I retired from gunplay and went to the real world hell of hand to hand combat with other privileged white male idiots. Who mostly still rule the world, no matter how much you losers hate it.