Don’t tell me who I am. I’m an American and all people are my people. Especially Ronnie Spector.

And so to bed.

How we met her. On the side of the road after our honeymoon. She ran away from us into the wheels of an SUV. She was crazy.

After the operations, we had to teach her how to walk again.


She did learn. But it cost a little piece of her heart.

Little piece of a huge heart.

Okay. She is really nuts. Out of control.


And then there is one beautiful day…

Still loving me. Right?

Right. But life hurts all the time. Pugs are Chinese you know. Bred to take it on the chin and be beautiful throughout.

But a little back scratch doesn’t hurt nearly so much as life.

And so to bed.

Like it’s one word, the fans say “Fred’n’Ginger.” But it’s hardly the whole story. They made great movies together, and Ginger got a lot of mileage out of the line, “I did everything Fred did but backwards and in high heels.” Cute and memorable but not quite true.

Truth. Fred Astaire was a dancer of genius. Ginger Rogers was a hoofer. Thing is, he also worked with other very gifted dancers. The best are represented below.

Eleanor Powell.

Audrey Hepburn.

Cyd Charisse.

Leslie Caron.

Who wins? All of them.


Feeling better? I knowI am.

Newest Plan

Mah Hazel

All right. Come Monday, I’m going to the plastic surgery shop to git me the face of an old old country singer. Then I’ll be eloping with mah true love Hazel Dickens. Don’t she just beat all?

What? My wife just told she’s been done dead for a year or three. Or five. She shouldn’ be snickerin’ like that. Joke’s on her ain’t? Now she’ll have to fix on some other ways of gittin’ me gone. Dayumm.


I guess there’s a hormone called Endofthelineagen that explains why broads who are no longer young feel compelled to show off their T&A&P to the whole wide world. If you have a better explanation, let me know.

WOW. South Philly rules.

Classical music radio station WFLN said, “The greatest voice of them all, bar none. A shame what Hollywood did to him. They killed him, plain and simple.”

Number 20.

Christians are to blame for Islamic violence:

Obama references crusades, slavery at Prayer Breakfast.

“President Obama has never been one to go easy on America.

“As a new president, he dismissed the idea of American exceptionalism, noting that Greeks think their country is special, too. He labeled the Bush-era interrogation practices, euphemistically called “harsh” for years, as torture. America, he has suggested, has much to answer given its history in Latin America and the Middle East.

“His latest challenge came Thursday at the National Prayer Breakfast. At a time of global anxiety over Islamist terrorism, Obama noted pointedly that his fellow Christians, who make up a vast majority of Americans, should perhaps not be the ones who cast the first stone.

“‘Humanity has been grappling with these questions throughout human history,” he told the group, speaking of the tension between the compassionate and murderous acts religion can inspire. “And lest we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place, remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition, people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ. In our home country, slavery and Jim Crow all too often was justified in the name of Christ.'”

99 percent of muslims are peace loving sweeties.


You’ll be Shocked by How Many American Muslims WANT to be ruled by Shariah Law!!!

“More than half (51%) of U.S. Muslims polled also believe either that they should have the choice of American or shariah courts, or that they should have their own tribunals to apply shariah. Only 39% of those polled said that Muslims in the U.S. should be subject to American courts…

“Even more troubling, is the fact that nearly a quarter of the Muslims polled believed that, “It is legitimate to use violence to punish those who give offense to Islam by, for example, portraying the prophet Mohammed.”

Ring wraiths are all basically good at heart.

If there’s anything wrong with Dementors, it’s that they just love people too much.

Ninjas aren’t really violent. They just think black is a powerful fashion statement, and they’re embarrassed about their teeth. A sad thing. More to be pitied than censured.

Once you get past the invincible exo-skeletons and glaring red eyes, Terminators are exactly like Aunt Bea. Off duty, they knit, listen to Hazel Dickens, and fry chicken.

And ISIS is really just the militant wing of overall Islamic pacifism.

Here. Ask their women. They’ll tell you what nice guys they all are when they come home after a long day’s work on behalf of Muhammad. You should see their undies.

Oops. How did that get in here? Well, she’s obviously one of those evil Christian Crusaders. Just unsee it. You never saw this, right? Right? Right? Right?

Feast your eyes on this instead. Repeat after me: Islam means peace, peace, peace, peace, peace. Right?

Always win. I know I do.

You thrilled to Olympus Has Fallen, if you knew which flick it was.

It was the good one with Gerard Butler, not the Jamie Farr one. Okay?

And then you thrilled 2 to the sequel London Has Fallen, which also starred Gerard Butler.

How cool is that?

Oops. My wife says I have to show you Gerard Butler.

She likes that Scottish beef. But she likes me a little too.

And NOW!!! you’re going to be thrilled 3 by the masterpiece of filmmaking called HILLARY HAS FALLEN!!!!!!

Which doesn’t star Gerard Butler because he was busy that day. But it IS directed by the potent team of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski, who know a thing or two between them about women who just accidentally bang their heads on coffee tables. And then can’t, you know, get up.

This nerve-wracking thriller begins at a Hillary campaign rally.

Oh the irony! Life Alert!

Then she goes back to campaign HQ for the Victory Party. Where things start to go wrong. Trust Woody and Roman to find the right film reference when there’s no actual footage of THIS scene.

What Woody Roman came up with:

Old White Guy (vagina included just for fun) totally trashes the room because he lost. After which, he falls down and can’t get up. Where our story begins.

Is that the $12,000 Armani tent sweater?

Ya know, it’s actually more music video than an action thriller. Uncharacteristically, Woody resorts to the Stones to portray her crawl across the living room floor.

When she is temporarily unable to continue crawling, Roman fills in with this:

But when she finally makes it to the doorway of the kitchen (why the kitchen? Oh. Knives.), Woody gives us this counter-intuitive bit of filmic genius:

When she realizes she can’t reach the knife rack, no way, Roman gives us this affecting song, in all its mediocre glory.

When he could have done this instead. Why they call genius “genius.”

Which is where the movie basically ends. Although the closing credits are kind of interesting.

Then Roman kicks in, inexplicably with this.

And when they’re rapidly scrolling the Special FX credits, the Stones end it all with this.

Be nice to your InstaPunk. Or else.

Neither is Raebert.

And he doesn’t get to drink coffee. So be veeeeery nice to him.

Created a complete literary movement from scratch.

The Epistle Dedicatory and signatories of The Boomer Bible.

Wrote the first infinitely hyper-linked novel.

Links from a single verse of The Boomer Bible, which has 2001 chapters, exactly, and 20 times that number of verses. 2001 becomes relevant later.

Reconfigured the physics of time.

Three Dimensions of Time

Wrote a sonnet in 60 seconds, against a stopwatch.

Harry’s 70th Birthday Sonnet.

I’ve been told it’s good. Innovative even.

Beat the Turing Test.

Non-Sequiturs Rule.

Predicted 9/11.

From a database of just 312 characters (about 2 1/2 tweets), my book’s Table of Harrier Days literally drew a picture of the 9/11 attacks.

The Millennials stomp on the “Angry White Guys.”

MTV promotes Resolutions for White Guys.

An excerpt:

“Just in time for the holiday season, MTV News has issued a series of New Year’s resolutions exclusively for white males — because, the network says, white guys could “do a little better in 2017.”

“A video posted to MTV News’ Twitter account Monday afternoon features a group of millennials lecturing so-called “white guys” as to how they can improve themselves in the New Year.

“Suggestions include recognizing that America was never “great” for minorities, and to stop bragging about being “woke.”

More excerpts:

“Can we all just agree that ‘Black Lives Matter’ isn’t the opposite of ‘All Lives Matter?’” one of the people in the video says. “Black lives just matter. There’s no need to overcomplicate it.”

“Also, Blue Lives Matter isn’t a thing,” adds another. “Cops weren’t born with blue skin. Right? I mean, yeah. They weren’t born blue!”

One woman suggests white people learn what “mansplaining” is, and then stop doing it, while another says that “nobody who has black friends says they have black friends” to prove they’re not racist.

“We all love Beyoncé, and yes, she’s black, so of course she cares about black issues. I’m talking to you Fox News,” one man in the video says.

“Representatives for MTV News did not immediately respond when asked whether the network planned to produce New Year’s resolutions videos for other racial or ethnic groups.”

But this is a game we play by InstaPunk Rules, because we hold all the cards of education, experience, and accomplishment. So we have a set of Resolutions for the zombies at MTV.

Look at those eyes. Blank eyes. Dead eyes. Zombie eyes.

Yeah. Resolutions. Ours for you.

1. Quit being such a pussy. Whether you have one or not. But all you emasculated Beatles fans do. Your own curvy thing with a hole in the middle is gently weeping like they always are.

2. Try very hard to understand that burning down your neighborhoods to protest the plight of your neighborhoods is just really frickin’ dumb.

Very persuasive.

Hands up. Don’t arrest me for arson.

Yeah. Makes white guys all gooey inside when you burn your whole lives down. Not. Makes us sad and disgusted instead.

Hating cops while you’re protected by cops. Against serious threats. Cool? No.

3. Quit hating Jews. It makes you the Nazis.

You see them as rats?

Oh yeah. Stories from a house just like yours no doubt, victimization at the hands of the man. Only steeped, steeped in the fear of death.

Read the story. Everybody. Then whine about Palestinians.

4. Quit defending Sharia. Unless you secretly desire that all clits be cut off and all female bodies be hidden forever, and all rapes are the woman’s fault.

Stoning of a woman who resisted arranged marriage.

Female Genital Mutilation

ISIS Beheadings

Funny how angry white guys might object to all of this. Maybe they know what it is to be a man, a forgotten virtue in our decadent culture.

5. Quit hating Trump. He’s far better educated than you will ever be, and if you condemn him for his hair and coarse language, look at your own idiotic coifs and even more foul mouthed tweets and tattoos.

A very smart man beats the half the price. Tell me you don’t love that.

6. Think of all the grief and violence that could have been avoided if the slogan had been Black Lives Matter Too.

Yeah. We all love Beyonce’s camel toe.

LOS ANGELES, CA – JANUARY 26: Singer Beyonce performs onstage during the 56th GRAMMY Awards at Staples Center on January 26, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

Do the high yella special/FX and hairdos do it for you?

7. Quit naked protesting. Guys do it hoping to get laid. Women do it because they really really really ALWAYS want to get naked in public. Not exactly a political platform on either side.

Nekkid Nuns with Germanic script. See the Snowflake Bible at Amazon.

Naked Protesting.

8. About White Guys. Look at the commercials for all the dumb sitcoms and reality shows you watch. What do they want? A super patriarchy? No. To be left alone on the couch eating Fritos, drinking beer, watching hockey games on TV, and listening to metal.

Porn? Maybe. Because you don’t shave your armpits and you want a notarized permission slip for a kiss or a breast grope signed in triplicate. In case nobody told you, you’re not worth it, you third wave feminists. You don’t smell good, you don’t do anything well but bitch.

Been there, not done that.

And you’re fat, as well as hairy.

Not to mention gross and slutty.

And did we mention sweaty?

And crude to boot?

Why we white boys prefer the Fritos, the beer and the metal.

9. Millennial Boys. Number One Resolution. Look in the goddam mirror. Would you hire you? Would you listen to anything you had to say on any subject whatever? Would you fuck you? Unless you were another effeminate Millennial Boy? No. Why you’re so creepily obsessed with LGBT issues and the cascading nonsense of made up pronouns.

10. Hey. Learn how to read. Learn history from someone other than Howard Zinn. Sit up straight and discover the steel inside your spaghetti spine.

About the King James Bible, written by Shakespeare’s equal, William Tinsdale. Enormous genius.

Don’t tell us you know everything when you know nothing.

I’ve spent my whole life anticipating you, the Millennial Generation. Saw you coming 40 years ago. Wanted to save you. You can’t be saved. All I can do is document your pitiful plight. Do I still love you? Yes. As I loved the Zeezers before you. But I’ve been at it too long now. All that’s left to me is putting myself on record.

Find it at Amazon.

100 pages that explain everything about X-Gens and Millennials.

Leaving out the truly most shocking, like the Human Centipede. Nobody anywhere should ever watch that or its sequels. This is about movies that hurt to watch, knowing that others watching might still have souls.

I saw this. Am convinced I wrote about it and reviewed it. Can’t find it. It’s unspeakable, unprintable. Nordic trailer trash, replete with rape, incest, incestuous rape, family hatred beyond belief. All utterly Icelandic.

I saw this. Am convinced I wrote about it and reviewed it. Can’t find it. It’s unspeakable, unprintable. Nazi fascist trash, replete with rape, incest, incestuous rape, family hatred beyond belief. All utterly German.

Terrible terrible spiraling down the drain drug story. German but universal. Asking the age-old question, with no candy coatings, you are young and beautiful and so why do you want so very much to die?

No good answers to the questions asked by any of these movies.

Sie ist getot.

“Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak.
“What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
“I never know what you are thinking. Think.”
I think we are in rats’ alley
Where the dead men lost their bones.

There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions…

“Who will make an end?”

“He who delights in subduing evil thoughts, who meditates on the impurities and is ever mindful – it is he who will make an end of craving…”

P.S. Quotes are not mine. Extra credit for those who identify the two different works by the same author that account for the captions, and the same for those who identify the author of the final quote.

Inspector Gently vs. Inspector Foyle.

Inspector George Gently

Inspector Foyle

Who’s better? You pick. Essay answers only. One paragraph will do. Time for a bit of a return to class, no?

Ted Bundy

Barack Obama

Obama SNAPS At US Military: Don’t You DARE Insult Islam, It’s What Makes This Country Great

John McCain, Vietnam Crash Test Dummy

Trump has been good to John McCain, however McCain by no means [reciprocates], making an attempt to Derail the Trump [Transition].

Most mainstream media reported Saturday that John McCain has gone offensive in opposition to Trump’s reported nomination of Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson for secretary of state.

That is the report from The Blaze:

Sen. John McCain blasted the probably secretary of state nominee of President-elect Courageous Donald Trump Saturday, saying he’s involved about Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson’s shut ties to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“I don’t know what Mr. Tillerson’s relationship with Vladimir Putin was, however I’ll let you know it’s a matter of concern to me,” McCain mentioned Saturday throughout an interview with Fox Information.

“You wish to give the president of the USA the advantage of the doubt as a result of the individuals have spoken. However Vladimir Putin is a thug, a bully and a assassin, and anyone else who describes him as the rest is mendacity,” he added.

NBC Information reported Saturday that Trump had chosen Tillerson to be his secretary of state, although the marketing campaign has but to make an official announcement.

To date, McCain is the primary Republican senator to lift objections to Tillerson, and if simply three extra joined him and a united Democratic entrance, Tillerson’s nomination might be blocked.

Mark Salter, a former prime Senate aide, mentioned Friday that he believes Tillerson would have an especially tough time getting although the Senate affirmation course of — if he may in any respect.

“Tillerson would promote out NATO for Sakhalin oil and his pal, Vlad. Must be a tough affirmation listening to, and a no vote on the Senate ground,” he tweeted Friday.

Prime Trump surrogate Rudy Giuliani, former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney and California Rep. Dana Rohrabacher had been additionally on Trump’s shortlist to be secretary of state.

The word ‘hero’ used to mean something. Now it’s just an advertising label, used to sell maniacally narcissistic creeps.



When you want to know what it’s like to be French, and I mean really French, cast your mind if you have one back to Erik Satie. He played his music and never wrote it down. A musician friend transcribed it on the sly and published it later.

So here are some of his compositions. Which, if you wanted, you could still play on your iPhone at Les Deux Maggots.

Satie’s Gymnopedies 1,2,3,4

A riotous account of his early years.

“Satie was the son of Alfred Satie and his wife Jane Leslie (née Anton), who was born in London to Scottish parents. Erik was born at Honfleur in Normandy; his home there is open to the public. When Satie was four years old, his family moved to Paris, his father having been offered a translator’s job in the capital. After his mother’s death in 1872, he was sent (at age 6), together with his younger brother, Conrad, back to Honfleur to live with his paternal grandparents. There he received his first music lessons from a local organist. In 1878, when he was 12 years old, his grandmother died, and the two brothers were reunited in Paris with their father, who remarried (a piano teacher) shortly afterwards. From the early 1880s onwards, Satie started publishing salon compositions by his step-mother and himself, among others.

“In 1879, Satie entered the Paris Conservatoire, where he was soon labelled untalented by his teachers. Georges Mathias, his professor of piano at the Conservatoire, described his pupil’s piano technique in flatly negative terms, “insignificant and laborious” and “worthless”.[4] Émile Decombes called him “the laziest student in the Conservatoire”.[5] Years later, Satie related that Mathias, with great insistence, told him that his real talent lay in composing. After being sent home for two and a half years, he was readmitted to the Conservatoire at the end of 1885 (age 19), but was unable to make a much more favourable impression on his teachers than he had before, and, as a result, resolved to take up military service a year later. However, Satie’s military career did not last very long; within a few months he was discharged after deliberately infecting himself with bronchitis.”

And here’s what ESPN loves to call “a body of work,” as if a bunch of jocks know what that means.

How many of us would trade everything for an hour of deathless music as our gift to the universe?

There he was. He could be anybody. And then life happened.

There he was. He could be anybody. And then life happened.

So wuddya want? Life like him?

Tim Curry. Rocky Horror Picture Show..

Tim Curry. Rocky Horror Picture Show..

But life like him? Really?

He got older. As we do

He got older. As we do

Or life like me?

63 and I was at the TLA for the Rocky Horror Picture Show in the eighties. No photoshopping. Just dirty living.

Still 63 and I was at the TLA for the Rocky Horror Picture Show in the eighties. No photoshopping. Just dirty living.

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