Turns out that Strider is really Aragorn, King of Gondor.

Where were we?

So King Theoden was under the thumb of Wormtongue.

King Theoden in a bad way.

Then Gandalf shows up, renewed and Christ-like, to save the day by, what, effulging or something in glowing white.

Gandalf the White

Wherewith, Theoden is restored…

The Plott thickens: “I am newly recommitted to kicking ass.”

So we win the battle of Helm’s Deep, and then we go to Gondor with our new version of Strider, meaning Aragorn (see pic above), and when it looks like we’re just about to lose, he brings out the ghost army.

We win. Hooray.

Rohan safe. Gondor safe. Meanwhile…

Remember these guys?

Frodo

Samwise

Gollum

And the Ring.

There’s a close call with a giant black widow called Shelob-Bra. Really really nasty nasty one.

She grabs Frodo and then she starts shrieking. She will definitely kill him.

But Samwise tells her she’s just an annoying bitch and tells her to STFU. Which works. Road to Mordor ensured.

Samwise

Which is how how Samwise basically saved the entire universe from Mordor, Sauron, and the usual idiots who think they know better than garden variety garden varieties.

The Ring.

Totally destroyed. To-tall-ee. In the Cracks of Doom.

The Cracks of Doom.

And then there’s Aragorn to take credit for all of it. Why they call the last 300 pages “Return of the King.”

Okay. He’s a king.