So when everybody woke up and scratched and went out and ate some of that heavenly Elven kibble, they had a big council with the King of the Elves.

Elrond

The idea is that someone (Frodo Frodo Frodo) has to take the Ring to the Cracks of Doom and destroy it.

Where? What? Why Frodo?!

And everybody but Frodo agreed that this was the smartest plan.

Well, here’s why Frodo. After the initial planning meeting, Queen Galadriel visited Frodo while he was taking a quiet drink of green water from the Loth Lorien birdbath.

She was, like, I want the Ring!

Give me the damn Ring. I’m a queen dammit. Give’it’a’me. You little cur.

And the little guy was like WTF?!

Frodo

And then she was all sorry and explained to Frodo why he had to take the Ring to the Cracks of Doom because everyone worthwhile wanted the Ring for theirself. See?

I didn’t mean to be that nasty evil bitch you just saw. Only Elrond knows about her.

And thereupon and whereupon and thence and so forth, the Ring Pack was chartered and sent forth and so on.

There was The Ring Bearer Frodo.

Could I go back home now, please?

And the ever faithful Samwise.

Let me at’em. I’ll kill’em

And the other two hobbits too, just to keep the odds against success incredibly long.

Merry in camouflage body paint and flamethrower gear.

Pippin. Always ready to go.

And then, for the sake of diversity, we have to have a dwarf…

Gimli

An elf…

Legolas

And three big guys. Gandalf, Strider, and a shifty, mysterious stranger from Gondor.

Boromir

What could go wrong? Stay tuned for Part 4.