I just did a brief post about Mariska Hargitay, wishing she could let her hair down into the bleach and cut her dresses down to there and up to there like her mother. I mean, she is getting ample these days, and, uh, I guess I should explain what I mean by the term “ample.”

Tired of seeing these stick models and actresses with hips like dislocated shoulder joints. Why do they even aspire to being Size 2, Size 0, Size –4? Have we all become so weirdly homosexual that women don’t want to look like women for fear of turning off their TG lovers?

This will be totally uninteresting to all men under the age of 50. So don’t read or look any farther. Because there was a time when women had a certain avoirdupois. They had extraordinarily fake hair color and extraordinarily real big breasts and child-bearing hips. They were, to a generation long lost to Viagra, a total replacement and preemption of need for same.

Everyone knows the archetype. Considered then by manly men, and perhaps even now to male homosexuals and transvestites, the most desirable woman on earth.

Booty didn’t have to be surgically implanted in those days. It grew naturally somehow, nourished by chocolate.

Mostly, life in the far long ago was in black and white, as you will see. But at times it burst into startling color.

This one’s name, I believe, was Marilyn Monroe. She was a heifer.

And not only did every woman want to be her, every country produced one of their own. The formula was simple. Lots of bleach, pasta, and lipstick.

Even England had one. Her name was Diana Dors. Who also lived in black and white.

The Brits try hard and always come up a teacup short.

A looker nevertheless.

She was hot, in her fifties dress.

Whereupon the French had to have one aussi.

Name of Bardot.

She also lived in black and white, usually with Jean Paul Belmondo, but when he was taking a shower she had her colorful moments.

Got to pick the right time to get your roots done.

The Scandinavians, who cares which nation, had their own exceptionally pneumatic version.

Anita. Ekberg.

Beautiful too.

Look in the eyes, sport.

And where the English and the French and the Nordic master race goes, so go the Germans.

Of course, Germans are much more demure.

As a rule. Unless you’re Elke Sommer.

Unless you really really want men to see you.

Which brings us back full circle to Mariska. Mama knew what she was about.

Jayne Mansfield. Generously built and inclined.

140 IQ

Why her daughter has known better than ever to take her top off for the camera.

Ample is great. Just because some of us want Jayne and Marilyn back doesn’t mean we can’t learn to see them in other guises. N’est-ce pas?