Life changing lessons for men

File this under the category of things married men learn AFTER they’re married. Guys watch Duck Dynasty, Top Shot, and Bad Girls Club. They never watch Say Yes to the Dress, which is about women trying to find the right wedding dress. They should definitely, absolutely watch this show long before they rent the Jumbotron at the Meadowlands to propose to their chosen helpmeet.

There’s a lot to wade through in getting to the lessons. Oceans of estrogen secreted by brides, mothers, mothers-in-law, bitchy controlling sisters, bitchy controlling gay fashionista ‘friends,’ and even bullying fathers. But the lessons are there, both hopeful and cautionary.

1. This is the best and most important lesson. They show the bride awaiting her shopping experience. More often than not (not always) she’s quite attractive. They ask her about the groom. She always says he’s her best friend and the only person she could imagine spending her life with. Then we get a picture of him. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. They’re ugly, fat, slovenly, and are usually wearing a backwards baseball cap. Apparently, any guy with a functioning heart and lungs can find an attractive woman willing to marry him. At the end of the show, they always screen clips of an actual wedding. And the guy, often as not, is wearing sneakers with his lame tuxedo. LESSON: Don’t give up. Even a slob like you can get lucky.

2. Pay attention to the mothers, sisters, and aunts and grandmothers. They have far more influence than the anticipated groom does. They cow her, intimidate her into changing her mind even about what she absolutely loves, reduce her to tears, and sometimes make her run away from the most important decision confronting her at the moment. LESSON: Before you pop the question, make sure you know who the women in your intended’s life are. They can and will kill you if you let them.

3. Pay attention to the men too. The bossy brothers, possessive papas, and gay guides, er, confidantes. They can do you in too before you’re even aware of them. Very important to find out about these influences before you walk down the aisle. LESSON: You think because you’re compatible in bed and on the couch in front of a cool DVD you’re the big man in her life. Ha!

4. Just because you love and desire and like her doesn’t mean she would make you, or anyone, a good wife. Most often, for very good reason, they ban the groom from the wedding dress shopping. The ones who insist on being there are invariably controlling assholes no girl should marry and you can see the future domestic abuse calls to 911 right there on the entourage couch. But that shouldn’t obscure what the brides show about themselves in the shopping process. Some of them are completely impossible — budget busting narcissists, hopelessly indecisive Barbie dolls who should never mother children, preening sluts who would rather show off their boobs to one and all than honor the impending ceremony or their husbands, tattooed trash with no taste and no sense of anything beyond a sense of escape from a bad early life to the home run of a husband, whoever he is. LESSON: Be very careful you really know who and what you’re marrying.

5. There are good women, sweet, genuinely in love, ready to make or renew vows with lifetime partners, knowing full well what that means. These women, not all of them naturally beautiful, are life’s great prizes. Amazingly, when they find the right dress, and put on the veil and tiara, and weep with love and joy, they are nevertheless beautiful. LESSON: find one of these women, propose in private, and spend the rest of your life trying to live up to her.

Here endeth the lessons. Say yes to watching ‘Say Yes to the Dress.’