I am the three elven kings. One ring killed but two left.

How does it go?

Three rings for the elven kings under the sky. Seven for the dwarf lords in their halls of stone. Nine for mortal men doomed to die. One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

It’s not easy to be an elf, immortal and beautiful and such. I mean, who doesn’t know the poem that begins, “Ah Elbereth, Gilthoniel, silivren penna miriel.” Which means, roughly, “Ah Elbereth, star kindler, slanting down sparkling like a jewel.”

It goes on from there. The full text if you need it.

What my wife and I face on a regular basis, being from the ancient undying breed Tolkien was writing about. It’s not always easy sparkling like a jewel. Especially if you’re living with one of the nine. Who may be malevolent phantoms of lords long dead but retain a healthy appetite for rings of all kinds.

My wife, for example, never possessed one of the 20 most famous rings, but she had a perfectly decent Elf Queen one, which our own pet Nazgul devoured:

She didn’t kill him. But she waxed wroth.

Today, he devoured one of my own rings — the one I wore on my wedding day. He crushed it like a junkyard car compacter.

What I didn’t know was that my elven queen had stockpiled three rings (shown above) to offset any such eventuality. One was too large, one was right for some number of years until the day before yesterday, and one fits perfectly now.

What our resident Nazgul does not know is that I also possess the One Ring, because I am by legacy a Freemason and therefore rule all conspiracies about Mankind for all time. He can’t get to this one. It’s in a secret Scottish place.

One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in our laughter kilt them.

We’re almost complete in ring compilation. The other eight of the dead are in boxes on our shelves, no matter how freely they still ride in our minds. The final dwarf lord will be arriving in a week or two, reminder of six dwarves past. Then we’ll get hold of this whole Sauron problem.