The Newest Scourge: Transcondimentalphobia (TCDP)

This could have been a long and amusing story. But we’re both in bad moods today, so it won’t be long or engaging. It’s going to be..

The Case of the Hotdog Who Got Out of Line

The name that’s been changed in this case belonged to a hotdog. Not a hit and run victim but one bitten in half and left to suffer. Hotdogs. They come in all sizes and you can bedrape them with all kinds of condiments, from foul on down. But when does it become too much to take?

The dog is born free, then has the right to choose.

The dog is born free, then has the right to choose.

What one dog thought anyway. How does the justice system make a determination?

Got a sub today. We split it twice. I was still hungry. The wife said eat the rest of the hotdogs we ordered yesterday. They were foot longs. Mine had fried onions and sauce. Hers has mustard, relish and raw onion. No, I told her. You put funny stuff on yours. You could scrape it off, she said. (Wife interrupts) I said no such thing.

Designed to let the husband resume the narrative. It always works.

Designed to let the husband resume the narrative. It always works.

We went looking. Why we called you, sir. We think the dog was insulted by talk of being scraped off and replaced with fried onions and some mysterious sauce. And there was also talk of sliding a multi-condiment-flavor ring up his whole length, to make sure he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anymore. Unspeakable cruelty. Can you help us, Sergeant?

We, or should I say the LAPD, got her on multiple charges of transcondimentalphobia. Additional charges involved barbecue sauce, peppers, tobasco, Dijon, and three felony counts of ketchup, sauerkraut, and chili. All applied by the defendant in front of hundreds of witnesses at Atlanta Braves baseball games. She was tried and convicted in a Los Angeles Kangaroo Court and will serve a life sentence or three years, whichever is shorter.


Jurors interviewed after the fact didn’t care the evidence didn’t place her at the scene of the crime. As one of them put it, “wherever she is, that’s the scene of the crime.”


I think this case is closed.

Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you, ma’am.

Everyone please join us in the fight against TCDP. Otherwise an innocent millionairess could spend the rest of her life in prison. If the Hebrew Nationals don’t get her first.


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