Buster “Big Bob” Fairweather has been living in agony since toddlerhood. Despite growing to near adulthood as a puny, underweight male person lacking in any athletic ability whatsoever, he has always seen himself, felt himself, to be a snarling championship quality mixed martial arts fighter.
Lifting weights hasn’t helped. The local dojo threw him, literally, into the nearest dumpster. His parents don’t understand. They bought him one of the increasingly rare and illegal chemistry sets in the hope that his talent for remembering the periodic table might rescue him from his youthful identity crisis.
All to no avail. Buster has already sued his parents and the state and federal governments to procure him the massive surgeries he will need to contend in the Octagon with Rhonda Rousey. Sex change surgery is a willing sacrifice he’s making to offset his small stature and get his shot at the big time.
He has eighteen books about defeating the arm bar. He also has three about navigating the gender change. And more than a hundred about beefing up in the weight room, once he has the right female hormones and steroids to qualify for American sports celebrity.
Just last week, he gave his first press conference announcing Johnny Weir as his new MMA coach. His parents would have been there, but they had a yard sale they had to tend to, no doubt to fund their, uh, thing’s new career.
ESPN already has him/her signed for an initial exhibition bout. Sports Illustrated is saving its cover for his/her first bra fitting. Rumors already are swirling about an actual ESPY Award in 2016 or so.
Could the future possibly be brighter for any millennial athlete?
Golly. We’re betting Rhonda Rousey is really scared at this point.
Probably locked in her trailer and threatening never to come out. Wouldn’t you?