April 2015

You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2015.

Queen Hillary

Queen Hillary

The flip side of the title is that Hillary is inevitable, surrounded by inhuman automatons who operate inside a hive mind. There’s much evidence to support this theory of her ineluctable conquest.

The ancient army of Clintonistas is still unwaveringly on duty.

Paul Begala, Lannie Davis, Sidney Blumenthal, and James Carville still obey their orders to attack, attack, and then attack again.

Paul Begala, Lannie Davis, Sidney Blumenthal, and James Carville still obey their orders to attack, attack, and then attack again.

The media army is still repeating the mantra Resistance Is Futile.

Fear the combat divisions of the NYT, WAPO, CBS, ABC, NBC, NPR, CNN, MSNBC, and dozens of smaller tactical groups.

Fear the combat divisions of the NYT, WAPO, CBS, ABC, NBC, NPR, CNN, MSNBC, and dozens of smaller tactical groups.

Besides which there are newer energetic minions working behind the scenes.

The mysterious sidekick Numa.

The mysterious sidekick Numa.

The Next Generation Queen Chelsea.

The Next Generation Queen Chelsea.

Plus, a completely inhuman phalanx of braindead feministas.

They are wymyn. Here them shriek.

They are wymyn. Hear them shriek.

And the vast Clinton Foundation is still roaming the heavens.

Heavily armed and nearly impossible to stop.

Heavily armed and nearly impossible to stop.

But there are also a few areas of vulnerability.

The dreaded email server that ran command and control has been destroyed.

The dreaded email server that ran command and control has been destroyed.

Oddly, too, there are signs (see pic up top) that there’s really nothing underneath that Hillary pantsuit.

What’s more, there’s Bill. Who was never entirely assimilated into the Hillary Borg. Because Bill is still partly human.

Not completely under control or even controllable.

Not completely under control or even controllable.

He could still blow up the entire Borg universe with a single underage girl.

You know it’s the truth.

Some of them actually look like football players. Only with bras and panties.

Some of them actually look like football players. Only with bras and panties.

We’re watching the Legends Football League (Check out the right cross in the first ten seconds). Judge us? The alternative is news. Baltimore burning down Baltimore. Give me bras and panties every time.

Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. God.

Well. Obviously he has no woman in his life. No female would let him out of her house wearing such a ridiculous outfit. Stupid tartan jacket. Striped shirt. Hideous tie. All of it at once? Monumentally dumber than even his usual tirades.

Talk to us, people. Don’t hold back.

It was always the eyes.

It was always the eyes.

There was this tag-along link on some site about women who have aged gracefully. I linked it. Mostly because I love Sophia Loren and Raquel Welch. My wife was scornful. Not gracefully but surgically, she said. And Zincavage highlighted a woman I’ve always been in love with. Charlotte Rampling. Except I always thought of her as a younger Lauren Bacall. How old I am. But not dead. Not quite. She had a body but you’d have a conversation…

She didn't care, but should you? Yes. Absolutely. Her carelessness is your embarrassment.

She didn’t care, but should you? Yes. Her carelessness is your embarrassment.

But Zincavage was right. She’s old and beautiful and someone you’d absolutely have to have a perfect dinner with.

I just want to have dinner with her. Keep thinking of Opie's stricture about "skinny eyes." I'll go for hers any day, every day.

I just want to have dinner with her. Keep thinking of Opie’s stricture
about “skinny eyes.” I’ll go for hers any day, every day.

image

My friend asked me to. So I did:

Let there be light.
Let there be lights.

How long ago
Is too long ago
For us to remember
And understand light?

God wields no hammer
Left it in Canaan
Replaced by a cantor
God shining through man.

Eight nights of light
That shouldn’t have been
Eight nights of light
Let the Temple begin.

Light, lights, light, lights,
God is light
And the right of our sight.

Eight nights of light
Or dark would take us
Eight nights of light
So God would make us.

Lights, light, lights, light,
God is light
And the might of our fight.

CODA

We pray to thee
Almighty.
We light the lights
For thee.

We pray to thee
Almighty.
Eight nights of light
Eternity.

What we need now is vocals and instrumentation. Billions of Christmas songs. Only one Hannukah song, courtesy of Adam Sandler. Who means well. But there really should be a good song. Don’t you think?

Is one good song too much to ask, here and now?

Is one good song too much to ask, here and now?

The book that got me blackballed.

The book that got me blackballed.

I have to address this because even my wife is not happy about this chapter of my writing life. Which makes it serious. So I need to explain.

Back in 1993 I was in the process of getting divorced. I experienced an unexpected loss of interest in the sexual attractiveness of women. It was so extreme that I suspected its cause to be physical, hormonal. Which, since I was a writer, gave me an idea for a book.

The idea for The Naked Woman manuscript grew instantly, like wildfire. I worked on it full time for weeks, almost 24 hours a day. The animating spirit was the realization that sociology is conducted by people who have already arrived at their conclusions and are looking to ratify them by the appearance of scientific disinterest.

Normally, sociologists are able to conceal the hidden agendas that drive their “research,” but in the case of men who have just lost their women, the agenda cannot remain hidden. It’s comedy writ large.

I ventured onto a dual track. I was pissed off about women and I recognized exactly how this would affect me if I were doing sex difference research. I invented an underground academic movement that took place in sites called The Dog Pound, The Lodge, and The Locker Room. Lots of drinking involved. Named characters who careened through the pages espousing their wild theories on virtually no evidence.

The result of their research was an a priori condemnation of female intelligence, talent, and consciousness clothed in sociology jargon such as we see from feminists regarding men.

Heard of the new term micro-aggression? I invented micro-hormones. Lephtallalone, Pistopherone, Nestostosterone, etc. I invented a pseudo-physiological syndrome I called the Insect Brain. I made chocolate a key component of female consciousness or the lack of it.

The narrative was evidently idiotic. Men carousing and conducting “anti-experiments” to confirm their most outrageous biases about the opposite sex. Along the way the work spun out truly interesting ideas about the definition of IQ, consciousness, and the basis of sexual attraction. I was having fun with my own obviously skewed state of mind and the “Big Lie” that women are somehow entitled to share equal status with men in perpetuity given that there has never been a female Shakespeare, Einstein, Socrates, Michelangelo, Leonardo, Jesus Christ, Newton, Poe, or even Swinburne.

Where I went so disastrously wrong. I thought feminism had reached a point of success that would allow them to take ordinary Locker Room chaff without getting upset. I thought they might take it as a sign they had arrived in the old boy network. Nudge nudge. you know? Laugh, laugh, dig in ribs.

I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. As door after door slammed in my face, fatally and forever, I learned that feminism had not arrived. More than we men take into account — with all our connivance in the fallacy that women exceed us in verbal ability, for example — women know damn well they have never produced a Shakespeare, Einstein, Socrates, Michelangelo, Leonardo, Jesus Christ, Newton, Poe, or even Swinburne.

That’s the real source of their hostility, defensiveness, and rage. The Mets can never forgive the Yankees.

And to a greater degree than even most men would believe possible, women lack a sense of humor. Not all women. Just the ones who have wriggled themselves into a place of power. There are women who know the score and are very much like us. My wife admitted, under duress, that in general, with multiple exceptions, her best friends are men. Because we’re so much more fun and don’t talk quite so much, and (gasp) when we do, we have more to say that’s worth listening to. We’re more interesting despite our easy submission to the cliche that we never think about anything.

I thought I’d written a hilarious joke. The verdict of woman dominated publishing companies was that I had written an outrageously offensive act of male chauvinist piggery.

They won.

Apparently.

Apparently.

It’s our wedding anniversary today. Nine years. I’m still in love. The book was just a book. Life is way more important. And more fun to boot.

The goddess has no feet.

The goddess has no feet. Neither does her mousy derivative (the one who looks alive).

All right. So I wrote this book that ended my writing career in the book publishing world. I made fun of both feminism and sociology. Not a good idea. At one point I had a small publisher who was inclined to go with it but he deferred to his x-gen interns. Here ended my career. Along the way much of the original manuscript has been lost, but last week I unexpectedly discovered this draft of the book’s Glossary. Oddly enough, it does work as a thumbnail of the whole book, which was meticulously researched and written into the small hours of every night after a bitter divorce. Enjoy, sue, slash my tires, whatever you will. Just bear in mind that my deerhound has the momentum of a locomotive and teeth just smaller than a saber-tooth tiger’s. Originally it was all hyperlinked, internally and externally. You’ll just have to imagine that part.

GLOSSARY

Anti-Experiment. An experiment with real-world elements designed to counteract the excessive conformance to expectations of women who know they are test subjects. See also Hershel’s Uncertainty Principle.

The Armoiré Effect. A description of the workings of female memory that likens it to a closet full of clothes and other personal effects but very few abstractions.

The Baby Factor. See Total Equality Compensation Factor.

The Babytalk Corollary. A by-product of Vulgarian Philology research expressing the inverse relationship that exists between a woman’s participation in neologism (slang-making) activities and her use of high-pitched nonsense words to communicate with defenseless small animals and infants. Also called the Pookie-Wookie Paradigm.

The Barbie Doll Curve. A familiar name for the differential between the sex drives in the human male and female. When the differential is mapped over a period equivalent to the sexually active years in human females, the shape of the curve is suggestive of the body profile of a doll manufactured by Mattel Corporation. See also the Sleeping Venus Syndrome.

The Baseline Metaphor Pool. Knowledge of natural and mechanical phenomena and their workings sufficient to generate the use of metaphor in learning. Since each element in the Baseline Metaphor Pool can be used repeatedly to acquire new knowledge and understanding, the pool concept is linked to a multiplier concept which suggests that the total knowledge which will be acquired by a human mind can be projected as an exponential function of the Baseline Metaphor Pool at the end of adolescence. Female failure to develop the Baseline Metaphor Pool during adolescence leads to the syndrome known as PMS or Pubescent Metaphor Starvation. See also the Female Physics Constraint.

The Big Four. The four major phenomena which must be explained by a successful Grand Unified Theory of Women: The CHICS Factor, The Chi-Spot, Distorted Body Image, and Distinctly Odd Attractors.

Boob. Women’s name for the female breast. Men have 76 names for the female breast, all of which are considered equally offensive by women. See Vulgarian Philology.

Brazilian Cocoa Bee. A species of honey bee that concentrates its pollen gathering efforts on the flowers of the cocoa plant. Adherents of the Insect Brain Hypothesis believe the species offers clues to the behavior of human females.

The Brownem Progression. An exemplary Platonic dialogue demonstrating the process by which the feminist theory of male oppression was derived from the mistaken male belief in equivalent female consciousness. See Appendix VII. See also Feminist Deconstruction.

The Carroll Conundrum. The puzzling resonances of the ‘nonsense’ works of Lewis Carroll, which seem to have anticipated and explained the workings of the insect brain more than a century before it was discovered by the Dog Pound. See Part III, Chapter 8.

The Cello Speculation. The proposition that women are not so much sensitive to emotion as conduits of emotion, as a cello is a conduit of music: i.e., able to express it but not to be changed by the experience.

The CHICS Factor. A termed used by sex difference researchers to refer to the phenomenon of diminished Creativity, Humor, Intelligence, Consciousness, and Sex drive in the female sex.

The C-Word. See Down There. See also Vulgarian Philology.

The Chi-Spot. See X-Spot.

Chocolate Obsession. A syndrome experienced by the overwhelming majority of contemporary women. It manifests itself in a variety of behaviors, which may include some combination of the following: chocolate gorging, indifference to men, loss of sexual desire, chocolate fantasizing, chocolate abstinence, sexual promiscuity, nymphomania, general food or sugar gorging, bulimia, anorexia nervosa, increased Reginagen secretion (and consequent power obsession), rapid cycling of secretions of the three “lesser” micro-hormones, and various other behavioral extremes caused by increased micro-hormone production generally. See Micro-Hormones. See also the X-Spot.

Clothing Theory (CloTh). One of the first and most persuasive candidates for the Grand Unified Theory of Women. A close relative of Mirror Theory, CloTh proposes that female identity and consciousness are entirely determined by clothing. With respect to the Big Four, CloTh provided satisfactory explanations of the CHICS Factor, Distorted Body Image, and to a lesser extent, Distinctly Odd Attractors. Its failure to explain the Chi-Spot caused it to be abandoned.

The Diamond Ceiling. A catch-phrase for the notion that female institutional ambitions are not being impeded by a glass ceiling but by a considerably harder and more impassible barrier; i.e., lack of female capability.

Distinctly Odd Attractors (DOA). A term used to describe the observation that women’s behavior repeatedly returns to related sets of activities that do not particularly attract men. DOAs are one of the Big Four that must be explained by a successful Grand Unified Theory of Women. Identified sets of DOAs include: Domestic Activities such as cleaning, waxing, cooking, curtain-making, arts-and-crafts, furniture rearranging, child nurturing, babytalk, cuddling, hugging, handholding, general emoting, etc; Female-Oriented Social Activities such as shopping, gossiping, girl-girl dancing, ladies-room herd behavior, food-tasting, telephoning, double-dating, etc; Male-Oriented Social Activities such as dating, going out to dinner, complaining, nagging, finding fault, logorrhea, silence, pot-banging, door-slamming, crying, screaming, sulking, whining, sarcasm, headaches, and splitting headaches; Female Acquisitive/Competitive Activities such as criticizing other women, office politicking, inheriting, driving, parking, tipping, divorce, social-climbing, etc.

Distorted Body Image. The observed phenomenon that women’s view of their own bodies bears little relation to reality. In severe cases (approximately 80 percent of women), the difference between the woman’s view and reality is irreconcilable. DBI is one of the Big Four which must be explained by a successful Grand Unified Theory of Women.

The Dog Pound. The name of the extended community of sex difference researchers encompassing a variety of disciplines in the social and natural sciences and the humanities. Formally organized in the early 1980s, the Dog Pound meets once a year to exchange views and plan research projects.

Down There. Women’s (non)name for the female sex organ. Men have 119 names for the female sex organ, all of which are equally offensive to women, except for the C-Word, which is considered much much worse by most women and much much much worse by the remainder. See Vulgarian Philology.

80-20 Experiments. A particular subset of social science experiments in which the purpose is to understand a sex difference that has already been demonstrated in a prior experiment. For this reason, the subject population is structured to ensure sharp divisions in capability with respect to the attribute being studied. Typically, this is accomplished by eliminating the worst-performing 20 percent of the sex that has the advantage and the best-performing 20-percent of the sex that has the disadvantage. For example, an experiment conceived to study the deep properties of the difference between male and female baseball-throwing would discard the 20 percent of males who throw like girls and the 20 percent of girls who throw somewhat better than the other girls. The comparative performance of the remaining population would be studied to arrive at an explanation of why girls can’t throw as well as boys.

The Equality Fallacy. The unproven assumption that women have the same capabilities as men or capabilities which are the equivalent of men’s.

The Eyelash Effect. A theory, proposed by the Female Apologists in the Dog Pound, conceived as a candidate for the hypothetical Total Equality Compensating Factor required to validate the equally hypothetical Total Equality Equation. The Total Equality Equation is based on the premise that despite evident deficiencies in female intelligence, achievement, consciousness, etc, the sexes are nevertheless equal. In order for the equation to balance, however, an additional factor is needed to represent the unidentified female talents and capabilities which must, in some way, make up for the dismal female performance observed in every measurable aspect of behavior and performance. The two major candidates for the Total Equality Compensating Factor are The Childbirth or Baby Factor and the Eyelash Effect. Proponents of the Eyelash Effect state their premise rather poetically as: “The batting of a woman’s eyelash can give rise to the most stupendous achievements of man, halfway around the world or thirty years distant from its occurrence.”

The Female Physics Constraint. A proposed explanation for the vast difference between the sexes with respect to the Metaphor Multiplier. It is the metaphor multiplier which links the much greater range of male interests with that sex’s vastly superior creativity. Exponents of the Female Physics Constraint theorize that it is women’s inferior sense of “everyday physics” which limits the breadth and scope of their interests, thus stunting development of the Baseline Metaphor Pool that drives the Metaphor Multiplier. The most frequently cited example is the physics of the internal combustion engine, which men relate to and women generally do not. Such knowledge can be and is applied by men to a variety of other machines and processes, in which capacity it promotes speedy comprehension of both similarities and differences, which are immediately added to the pool of available metaphors. Those who lack such knowledge, and/or any interest in acquiring it, are less likely to experience interest in new areas where it applies and less likely to learn effectively even if they do experience an interest. Other areas where the Female Physics Constraint proves a detriment to the formation of useful metaphors include: male and female anatomy, most forms of mechanical and organic locomotion, wood and metalworking tools, electricity, computers and electronics, plumbing and hydraulics, fisticuffs, wrestling, the throwing of objects, hand-eye coordination generally, time-motion relationships, and sex.

Feminist Deconstruction. A process, based upon the demonstrated absence of any female capability for large-scale creativity, in which any seeming large-scale female creation can be analyzed back to the male ideas from which it has been taken. For an example, see the Brownem progression, Appendix VII.

The F-Word. To men, one of 286 names for the sex act, as well as an epithet communicating aggression, hostility, and hatred. To women, an acceptable, even favored expression when used to communicate aggression, hostility, and hatred, but an offensive, even unspeakable expression when used to refer to the sex act, for which women have just four acceptable terms: “making love,” “doing it,” fooling around,” and “you know.” See Vulgarian Philology.

The Garage. A site in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where sex difference researchers in the natural sciences convene, if not otherwise occupied, for the purpose of exchanging ideas, planning research projects, and performing post-project data analyses. The Garage is one of three research centers funded by the Dog Pound.

Grand Unified Theory (GUT) of Women. Popularly considered the ‘Holy Grail’ of sex difference research, the Grand Unified Theory was first conceived as an hypothesis that a single coherent explanation could be found for all the diverse deficiencies and eccentricities of human female behavior. Initially, there was opposition to the very idea of the hypothesis by researchers who argued that the complexities of female behavior were too great to admit of any single or unified explanation. This state of affairs changed, however, as new systems sciences such as chaos theory and complexity theory demonstrated that exceedingly complex behaviors could be generated by very simple systems and very small changes in the initial conditions of those systems. This perception was followed by the “GUT-Crunch,” a great race for the Grand Unified Theory of Women, which was discovered in mid-1993. See Insect Brain Hypothesis.

The Grand Unified Theory Race. Grand Unified Theory.

GUT-Crunch. See Grand Unified Theory.

GUT Matrix. The recording chart used to compare the merits of the various candidates for the Grand Unified Theory of Women.

Hershel’s Uncertainty Principle. Hershel Pitooey’s observation that with respect to female test subjects, gender difference researchers can obtain very high confidence levels in laboratory experiments that disclose nothing about real world behavior; and conversely, researchers can obtain very low confidence levels in ‘anti-experiments’ that disclose a great deal about real-world behavior. The principle appears to set an absolute limit on the extent to which female behavior is “knowable” and/or measurable by science.

The Insect Brain Hypothesis. The theory, backed by substantial but controversial evidence, that the mental activity of human females is governed by a primitive “insect” brain located within the reptilian brain (which underlies both the mammalian brain and the pre-frontal lobes of all human beings). Men also possess this cluster of primitive brain cells, but the male ‘Y’ Chromosome appears to suppress secretion of the micro-hormones Nestosterone, Pistopherone, Saccharogen, and Reginagen, which in women serve to diminish and serialize access to the functions of the pre-frontal lobes. The insect brain is also believed to be responsible for various automatic behaviors unique to the human female, including the candlelight fetish, flower obsession, chocolate gorging, bulimia, shopping, compulsive waxing, girl-girl dancing, stinger envy, the Queen Syndrome, “buzzing,” and hyper-tolerance for repetitive activities. The activation of the insect brain in females is believed to be a case of Reversionary Adaptive Evolution required for the survival of the human species. Thus far, the Insect Brain Hypothesis is the only theory supported by hard scientific data that explains all of the Big Four. It is therefore considered by many researchers the answer to the search for a Grand Unified Theory of Women.

Lephtallalone. A male hormone secreted for a short time in the immediate aftermath of romantic catastrophe. Also known more colloquially as Sinatraphrine for its uncanny ability to induce the desire to hear sad romantic songs in the wee hours of the morning. Normally, secretion of this hormone is terminated by the onset of Lestosterone activity.

Lestosterone. A male hormone secreted in times of prolonged physical danger or romantic catastrophe. It has the effect of neutralizing only that component of testosterone which distorts the male’s customary perception of women. Thus, the advantageous by-products of testosterone are preserved—including aggression, courage, and competitiveness—while the usual triggers of male attraction to and lust for the opposite sex are, practically speaking, anesthetized. Under the influence of Lestosterone, the human male comes as close to an objective view of the human female as he is capable of, which considerably reduces the possibility of emotional distractions in circumstances when physical and/or emotional survival is at issue. In rare instances, the male body can overdose on Lestosterone, causing irrational revulsion against the female sex. This condition can be mitigated by a synthetic version of Lephtallalone.

The Locker Room. One of three major centers of sex difference research supported by the Dog Pound. The Locker Room is located in Gaines, Texas.

The Lodge. One of three major centers of sex difference research supported by the Dog Pound. The Lodge is located in Ensellville, Illinois.

The Marginal Utility Factor (MuF) IQ Scale. A radical new approach to intelligence measurement which recognizes that the existing IQ scale is fundamentally flawed in its dependence on outmoded machine theory. The traditional assumption that human intelligence cannot vary by more than 100 percent (hence the high-end peg of 200 for super-genius IQs) was an outgrowth of machine-based systems theory which has been shown to be invalid in the new technology of information systems. The machine model has been rendered obsolete specifically by the concept of ‘sensitive dependence on initial conditions,’ which demonstrates that the output of a given system can be expanded almost infinitely by making minor changes in the system’s initial conditions. Since the human mind is far closer to an information system than to a manufacturing assembly line, the ‘sensitive dependence’ concept has been used to build a new measurement system for human intelligence—one based on the measurement of the capacity required for ascending levels of intellectual feats rather than the measurement of small differentials in the brain’s ‘instruction set.’ Use of the intellectual feats scale also makes it logical to invoke the longstanding concept of marginal utility, which postulates that as any system approaches the limit of what is possible, the amount of resource required to achieve the next increment of performance increases exponentially. This means that our intuitive conviction that Einstein must have been many times smarter than the average person in order to conceive of the Theory of Relativity is accurate. An accidental by-product of the research which developed the new MuF IQ Scale was the discovery that average female intelligence, when measured in terms of intellectual feats, is only a little more than 10 percent of average male intelligence, although the male population has such an enormous standard deviation that a significant percentage of males score lower in intelligence than the whole population of females. See Appendix II.

The Metaphor Multiplier. See Baseline Metaphor Pool . See also the Female Physics Constraint.

Micro-Hormones. Hormones produced in extremely minute quantities by the cells of the vestigial insect brain. Secretion may be catalyzed by the taste buds and sense of smell. In insects, micro-hormones are the principal determinants of behaviors in different phases of life, which are sharply differentiated from one another. Worker (female) honey bees, for example, produce several micro-hormones in a strict sequence: Nestosterone, which causes them to remain in the hive, variously feeding the queen and the young, waxing the hive cells and floors, and producing offspring (drones); Pistopherone, which causes them to stand guard outside the hive, automatically stinging any intruder; Saccharogen, which causes them, later in life, to begin foraging for pollen and ferrying pollen and water back to the hive. There is a fourth female micro-hormone, Reginagen, which precipitates the transformation of a selected worker bee into a queen candidate (who must then do battle with other queen candidates to secure the “throne.”) All four of these micro-hormones have been detected in the human female brain, although they are not secreted in long sustained phases, as in bees, but in a rapidly changing series, thus precipitating complete, nearly instantaneous changes in mood, desire, and behavior. Micro-hormones do not act in combination. Moods that are characterized by human females as ambivalent or divided feelings are, in fact, shifts in micro-hormone secretion that occur too rapidly to be perceived individually. Practically speaking, this means that the human female is incapable of feeling two different emotions simultaneously, thus ensuring that the complex “consensus” among conflicting emotions required for sophisticated decision making, creativity, and problem solving is never achieved; eventually, one emotion simply wins out over the others. The relationship between micro-hormones and the less potent but more plentiful female hormones is not yet fully understood. To date, it appears that female hormone secretions serve, in many cases, to increase the speed of shifts in micro-hormone production. See Chocolate Obsession.

Mirror Theory. A candidate for the GUT derived from the notion that female identity consists almost entirely of the physical appearance seen in the mirror. The theory was most compelling as an explanation of the apparent two-dimensional nature of female consciousness. See also Clothing Theory.

The Motherhood Blur. The observation that general belief in female perceptiveness about people originates in the baseless notion that mothers are perceptive about their own children—
e.g., my mother was perceptive about my value and importance; therefore, women must be perceptive about people.

Nestosterone. In human females, a micro-hormone responsible for inciting moods of domesticity, mild sexual desire, cleaning and waxing, lighting of candles, cooking, nurturing, serving those in authority, passivity, and staying home. See Micro-Hormones.

The One-Point-Two (1.2) Theorem. A rule of thumb developed from the MuF IQ Scale and the Metaphor Multiplier. The MuF IQ scale indicates that average female intelligence is 10.8 percent of average male intelligence. The Metaphor Multiplier, which is derived from the differential between male and female Baseline Metaphor Pools, is computed as a factor of nine. The combined effects of these two differentials on consciousness (mind-space volume) can therefore be calculated. The comparative ‘size’ of female consciousness is estimated to be 1.2 percent (10.8/9) of male consciousness. See Appendix V.

Pistopherone. In human females, the micro-hormone responsible for inciting moods of rage, aggression, defensiveness, suspicion, jealousy, and fanatical loyalty. See Micro-Hormones.

PMS. Acronym for Pubescent Metaphor Starvation, a principal cause of reduced consciousness in women. See Baseline Metaphor Pool. See also Appendix V.

Pottery ROM. The apparently innate inclination of the human female to make and/or collect small vessels and containers, usually but not always of baked earthen material. This bent appears to take the place of creative talent in women.

The Quantum Measurement Problem. A paradoxical circumstance noted in early quantum mechanics experiments which suggests that the outcome of such experiments is altered by the presence of a conscious observer.

The Quantum Measurement Problem Problem. The observed paradox that the Quantum Measurement Problem is not experienced by women. Identification of this phenomenon led to the development of the first Absolute Consciousness Test. See Part III, Chapter 3.

The Queen Syndrome. According to adherents of the Insect Brain Hypothesis, the subconscious desire of the human female either to be queen of the hive or in service to the queen of the hive. Since this is, in the strictest sense, impossible, the syndrome results in lifelong frustration. Some gender difference researchers hypothesize that the human male is regarded as a queen-substitute, but since he is incapable of properly understanding this role, he inevitably fails to fulfill it, thus losing the “love” of his mate.

Reginagen. In human females, the micro-hormone responsible for inciting moods of acquisitiveness, ownership, bossiness, extreme hostility to other women, and the need to be worshipped, flattered, and catered to. Differs from other micro-hormones in that it can suppress or stop production of the others if it is secreted in sufficient quantity over a long enough period of time. Constant Reginagen secretion often accompanies Chocolate Obsession as a cause or effect. See Micro-Hormones.

The Reptilian Brain Hypothesis. A candidate for the Grand Unified Theory of Women. Proponents suggest that female behavior is controlled and limited by a reversionary adaptation that causes the reptile brain to override the functioning of the mammalian brain and the pre-frontal lobes. Originally suggested by the persistent literary myth of the ‘Lamia,’ this theory was eventually discarded due to its inability to explain the Big Four.

Reversionary Adaptive Evolution. A term coined by sex difference researchers to describe the reactivation of vestigial body organs and capabilities which, through changed circumstances, become newly advantageous for survival. Whales and dolphins, for example, are theorized by Darwinian biologists to have returned to the sea after evolving to the mammalian form on land. The growth of fins and flippers in Cetaceans would represent just such a reversionary adaptive evolution, a reactivation of an existing genetic capability carried vestigially within the body by all vertebrate land animals. In the human female, reactivation of the primitive “insect brain” inside the core of the mammalian brain may have occurred as an advantageous reversionary adaptation to the incredibly rapid growth of the pre-frontal lobes in the brain of homo sapiens. In Darwinian terms, the prodigious mental capacity provided by such a large brain would have caused near-immediate extinction if both sexes employed it equally. In particular, the fact that human infants needed many years of close supervision made it necessary for one of the sexes to acquire 1) a near-constant focus on the here and now, 2) a much higher tolerance for tedium and repetition, and 3) a much lower level of interior distraction such as that effected by imagination, reflection and intellectual curiosity. Natural selection therefore opted to leave the male brain alone and to bring about the necessary reversion in the female.

The Rule of Nine. A numerical expression of the nine-times differential between the male and female Baseline Metaphor Pool. It is frequently used as an adjustment factor in comparisons of male and female test results. See also The 1.2 Theorem.

Saccharogen. In human females, a micro-hormone responsible for inciting moods of deep emotional receptivity, compulsive attraction to flowers, hunger for sweets, (especially chocolate), swallowing large amounts of food without digesting it, dancing, chattering, making elaborate gestures, telling anecdotes in a roundabout fashion, socializing with other human females, criticizing and competing with other human females, shopping, and acquiring new clothes. See Micro-Hormones.

The SexCeption Curve. A minor deviation from the rule of vastly superior male libido. Also known as Libido Crossover, the deviation occurs when women become obsessed with conceiving a child, usually in conjunction with excessive Reginagen secretion.

Skewed Visibility Syndrome (SVS). A tactic employed by feminists to conceal the massive difference in achievements between human males and females.

Sleeping Venus Syndrome. A micro-hormone induced diminution of the normal female libido, which would otherwise equal or exceed the male’s.

Space-Time Divide. The theory that men and women experience time differently; specifically, that women have no concept of “long time,” such as is needed for the invention of civilization and conscious decision making. Conversely, men rarely experience the “here and now” as they move back and forth through the conceptual time-space in which they learn from experience and plan for future crises and accomplishments. (This is the out-of-time experience about which men answer “nothing” when women ask them what they are thinking about.) Female Apologists regard the Space-Time Divide as a possible candidate for the Total Equality Compensating Factor, arguing that men need women in order to have any experience of the here and now.

Stinger Envy. The subconscious longing women feel for the stinger of the bee anatomy which the insect brain suggests they should have. This is the phenomenon Freud mistook for penis envy, according to proponents of the Insect Brain Hypothesis. Rather than a desire to be male or have male parts, women have an innate, unrealizable yearning for the capability to inflict near instantaneous death on enemies, outsiders, intruders, and other pests. Stinger envy and other similar effects produced by bee micro-hormones are regarded as evidence that the Insect Brain Hypothesis is the key to explaining Distorted Body Image in women generally.

Thing. Women’s name for the male sex organ. Men have 127 names for the male sex organ, all of which are equally offensive to women. See Vulgarian Philology.

Total Equality Compensating Factor. See the Eyelash Effect.

The Turing Test. A challenge posed by computer science pioneer Alan Turing, suggesting that the only valid proof of computer intelligence would be the ability of a computer to fool a human being into thinking that he was conversing with another human being. The challenge was met successfully within several years of its origination by computer scientist Blaine Pasco, who programmed a female personality simulation that fooled 15 consecutive males. To date, however, the Turing Test has not been successfully negotiated by any computer program simulating a male personality. Moreover, Pasco was denied recognition for his achievement due to programming strategies deemed by purists to be a violation of the intent of the Turing Test. See Part III, Chapter 2.

2D-ID. See Mirror Theory. See also Clothing Theory.

Vulgarian Philology. The study of the origin of slang expressions, including scatological and obscene expressions. Research indicates that 90+ percent of such neologisms are developed by males, and as much as 99 percent when the subject is sexual. The female preference for euphemism over the colorful exaggerations represented by slang have been identified as a principal cause of PMS in women.

The X-Spot. A cluster of nerve endings in the stomach of the human female which can produce a reaction akin to sexual orgasm, though far more powerful, when a woman eats chocolate under the right conditions. The ‘X’ is derived from the Aztec word for chocolate, xocoatl. Hence the alternative name Chi-Spot or Χ-Spot, from the Greek letter x or chi. Discovery of the X-Spot in mid-1993 represented the hard-science breakthrough needed to confirm the Insect Brain Hypothesis, which theorized that the micro-hormones controlling the female brain were identical with those of the Brazilian Cocoa Bee and were therefore hyper-sensitive at the gene-level to refined chocolate products. This hypersensitivity may account for the unprecedented increase in female aggression and hostility observed in industrialized nations in this century, which is the first in which refined chocolate products have been both cheap and widely available.

She's kind of a problem.

She’s kind of a problem.

imageimage

The one guy was so clear you had to be on a commercial airliner to get the truth of it 30,000 feet up. The other was so opaque you had to get a PhD in his life in Ireland to begin to understand him.

Neither one was interested in meaning. Hemingway discarded meaning in World War I. After that it was the cool fresh taste of middling Spanish-accented wines. Joyce never cared about meaning at all. He just wanted to be a poetic conundrum. Named Stephen Dedalus. Follow the spider thread to the elastic end of nothing.

Oh. Gertrude Stein and Picasso. A rock and a jock. She made a joke of static writing while he made a joke of accomplished three-year-old finger painting. Great? Sure. Headed somewhere, leading us to a new vision of possibility??! uh, No. Dead ends, both of them. Just like Hemingway and Joyce.

Want to bring anyone else up? Name someone who tried to stitch up the gaping holes in art created by Picasso and James Joyce and their other pals. No one will tell you who that might be. Who might have been. Matisse? All he cared about was sex. There was nobody, has been nobody.

I tried, but I’m mostly dead now too. Life is fleeting. Haven’t heard of me? William Blake sold 300 copies. I’m okay with everything.

You can immegine a Millennial by substituting the D batter for a AAA model.

You can imagine a Millennial by substituting the D battery for a AAA model.

The Marginal Utility Factor (MuF) IQ Scale. A radical new approach to intelligence measurement which recognizes that the existing IQ scale is fundamentally flawed in its dependence on outmoded machine theory. The traditional assumption that human intelligence cannot vary by more than 100 percent (hence the high-end peg of 200 for super-genius IQs) was an outgrowth of machine-based systems theory which has been shown to be invalid in the new technology of information systems.

The machine model has been rendered obsolete specifically by the concept of ‘sensitive dependence on initial conditions,’ which demonstrates that the output of a given system can be expanded almost infinitely by making minor changes in the system’s initial conditions.

Since the human mind is far closer to an information system than to a manufacturing assembly line, the ‘sensitive dependence’ concept has been used to build a new measurement system for human intelligence—one based on the measurement of the capacity required for ascending levels of intellectual feats rather than the measurement of small differentials in the brain’s ‘instruction set.’

Use of the intellectual feats scale also makes it logical to invoke the longstanding concept of marginal utility, which postulates that as any system approaches the limit of what is possible, the amount of resource required to achieve the next increment of performance increases exponentially.

This means that our intuitive conviction that Einstein must have been many times smarter than the average person in order to conceive of the Theory of Relativity is accurate.

An accidental by-product of the research which developed the new MuF IQ Scale was the discovery that average female intelligence, when measured in terms of intellectual feats, is only a little more than 10 percent of average male intelligence, although the male population has such an enormous standard deviation that a significant percentage of males score lower in intelligence than the whole population of females. See Appendix II.

You see her every day. Some of you are married to her.

You see her every day. Some of you are married to her.

Previous post was condensation of an article in the banned book Naked Woman. Anyone want to see The Glossary of all its awful conclusions about women? Better ask. I’m volunteering nothing. But I guarantee one thing. My conclusions may be satirical but they will make men AND women cringe in recognition.

Don’t ask at your own peril. I’m the only man who has ever deciphered the female brain.

Been watching everybody I knew get old and doughy.

Been watching everybody I knew get old and doughy.

In a couple months I’ll be 63. Guys my age I know have 40 inch belts, heavy jowls, big noses, bald heads, and tarnished athletic trophies. Whereas I still have cheekbones, hair, and a 5’10” body that weighs less than 150 pounds. Have I worked at it? No. It’s all genetic or supernatural or something. Sometimes I feel like Dorian Gray. Other times I feel like Dr. Faustus a tick away from contract’s end. Question is, is it worth it to sit here like this while everyone you ever knew is turning into Methuselah? Not claiming to be good looking. Just not as old looking as all the pictures I see on Facebook. Am I feeling good about that?

No. If I looked as old as my peers it wouldn’t matter as much that my knees barely work, I’ve been overcome in recent years by allergies, and I’m nothing near as priapic as I once was. I have no excuse. My infirmities all have to do with living the life of a writer. I console myself by constantly watching that movie about Jackson Pollock. You know. Ed Harris pretending to be an artist. Exactly like Jackson Pollock did.

But like all writers, I have creative ways of rescuing myself. I just bought this belt.

image

It’s supposed to go with this jacket in my closet. I know. Cognac and tan. My life so far.

image

And these boots.

image

Then I’ll get back on my bike and be 21 again.

Sort of.

Are good looks worth it? No. They solve nothing. But they’re better than looking like hell. Except that I feel some of them feel better than I do. Only it is, as Fernando said before he died, better to look good than to feel good.

Couldn't lay a hand on her for 10+ years. Now she knows I'm not throttling her when I hold her this way.

Couldn’t lay a hand on her for 10+ years. Now she knows
I’m not throttling her when I hold her this way.

A year ago she lived in the rafters of the garage. Now she lives in the whole downstairs. And on rare occasions she lets us bring her upstairs, where the deerhound lives. Is this not a miracle? She’s fourteen now. Survivor of five other cats and three other dogs. She wants to be loved. We do love her.

Here’s an interesting point. My most recent post was about places in the USA where it’s okay to go topless. It was tongue in cheek. I thought maybe at the end it would be okay to include a smallish picture of Scout Willis roaming topless through New York. I had my choice (I thought) of a real picture or one with pixilated nipples.

As I compared, I realized that the pixilated nipples made the pic look somehow dirty. But nipples aren’t dirty. They’re just not appropriate on display in all circumstances. But they are appropriate in a post about when breasts are okay to be shown in public. So I chose the real pic. Except someone has, literally, booby-trapped it. Allow me to demonstrate. This picture is okay.

Because nobody's titillated, we can maintain paragraph format and stuff.

Because nobody’s titillated, we can maintain paragraph format and stuff.

But if you try to use this fully nipples picture instead, the gods of Internet (or Willis family) modesty suddenly leap in and tell us we can’t write in orderly lines anymore.

Conservatives could live with this. As long as they can still remember how to behave like gentlemen.

Conservatives could live with this. As long as they can still remember how to behave like gentlemen.

Or maybe Nipple Freedom somehow requires a universal centering function that makes all writing into a woman’s curvy shape, the way all
of everything is always supposed to be in a woman’s curvy shape if you’re the kind of woman who doesn’t think but just struts and jiggles and smirks at the supposed singlemindedness of men. Well, you get the picture…

[/caption]

Red voters vs Blue voters nationwide.

Red voters vs Blue voters nationwide.

Important Information for Hillary, isn’t it? She needs popular support. But how about this additional map of where women are legally permitted to be topless?

Green is yes, orange is ambiguous, and red is no. See any patterns?Green is yes, orange is ambiguous, and red is no. See any patterns

A lot of the ambiguous crowd is solid blue progressive territory, including New Jersey, Connecticut, Washington (the serial killer state), and the socialist-labor party upper Midwest, including leftist Michigan and Minnesota. They can’t stop themselves from wanting to rule your breasts anymore than they can stop themselves from wanting to rule every other part of your lives. Can’t wait to hear their newest regulations about underwires and cup shapes.

Quibbles? Utah, Tennessee, and Indiana, plus the oddly contrasting ambiguities of Nevada and Mississippi. Utah? Fugeddabout it. Indiana is, well, Indiana. Is, was, and will always be. There are no nipples in Indiana. Why the men all look so dry and pinched. The others? Of course, nobody’s ever seen a bare breast in the stage shows of Las Vegas or after-hours Nashville, right? And did anyone notice Mississippi? As ambiguous as Connecticut. That would be interesting for a state widely regarded as one of the USA’s representatives of the Third World.

On the whole, though, it looks like most of the country is both conservative and in favor of topless. The little blue bits are rock hard LGBTA parts. (Don’t ever let those evil men see the pink bits.) Should Hillary go topless or not? If the polls say she should, she will. Be warned. Be afraid. Very afraid.

Is there a new political coalition we can make of this? A lot of red-blooded American men are hoping so.

Amazingly, many of us still do remember.

Seen all 13 episodes now.

Seen all 13 episodes now.

So many good things about this show. Fantastic fight scenes. A stellar acting performance by Vincent D’Onofrio. A deeply Catholic moral theme. Good writing. Good chemistry among major characters. An astonishingly good series.

It’s dark, beautiful, difficult, and complicated. The best of the Marvel universe. Watch it on Netflix.

You all know what to do.

You all know what to do.

They keep trying to make Hillary documentaries, forgetting that it’s already been done. Four times anyway. She’s a mob mama. Ruthless, sociopathic, and well equipped with minions through whom she can act without dirtying her own hands. So don’t wait for HBO or NBC to get one of their hagiographic Hillary projects off the ground. Everything you need to know is already in the can. Look up and find one of these to watch.


Back when Angie was still a babe of sorts. Herself has never been a babe. But thought you’d appreciate a change of pace.

It’s all there. The bullying, the manipulation, the flat out evil. How on earth is anyone anywhere contemplating putting this woman in the White House? Again.

Lannie Davis. One more awful Eli.

Lannie Davis. One more awful Eli.

Let’s face it. Yale. They’ve become a plague afflicting our once beautiful nation. Think of the lot of them. Bill and Hillary, all the Bushes but Jeb, who is infected by contact, and they all keep smiling at us like we are their not too bright pets.

I say empty the place out, lock the doors, and build a tall fence around it to keep everybody out. Forever. It’s always been only an imitation great university, refuge for the not quite smart enough who didn’t get into Harvard and are too banal to take the risk of being a Princetonian.

Git’er done.

There are women who really ARE  Audrey Hepburn. Meet Eleanor.

There are women who really ARE Audrey Hepburn. Meet Eleanor.

You know how they say wives are the better half. My wife knows Harvey Sklar. Who would be Al Pacino if he were a foot shorter.

Twice as smart as everyone. You know the cliche about software geniuses? Welcome to the reality.

Twice as smart as everyone. You know the cliche about software geniuses? Welcome to the reality. Not every genius comes from Brooklyn. The ones not from Salem do.

And then they got married.

Who wouldn't want some part of this story? (Click for much bigger.)

Who wouldn’t want some part of this story? (Click for much bigger.)

My own motives are brute simple. I know Harvey is one one of the smartest people I’ve heard tell of. And I know Eleanor is a master chef. I want a meal and a conversation. Neither of which I’ve been allowed to have yet. My wife hasn’t opened up about this possibility. Shame on her.

Stanley Kurtz

Stanley Kurtz

Stanley Tucci

Stanley Tucci

One’s a scholar and an indefatigable investigative reporter. The other is a consummate character actor who can play any role, from comedic to tragic, with absolutely convincing invisibility with respect to the act of acting.

What do they have in common for me? Very few people I would rather have dinner with. The possibility of real conversation with both of them is practically irresistible. Don’t feel that way too often. My intuition is that they are equally good at thinking, listening, and talking without bombast. Measured men.

A rare and wonderful virtue these days.

Smarter than Scotland apparently.

Smarter than Scotland apparently.

He doesn’t like windmills. They sound like flies. Which he has no use for. He’s smart that way.

« Older entries