As you may have noticed, I have not weighed in to handicap the purported candidates for the Republican presidential nomination.
I have two reasons for that. First, I’ve been too busy. Owning a deerhound and a Scotty at the same time is way above your pay grade, whoever you are. Second, who exactly is it who isn’t running for the Republican nomination?
The good news. I am NOT running for president. Even though I’m smarter than most of them and have better ideas about how to fix what’s wrong. A man’s got to know his limitations. I know mine. How come all these guys don’t?
Ben Carson. Love him to death. But he’s another Obama waiting to happen. Smartest guy in the room, inexperienced, convinced of his own superiority, destined for isolation and official paralysis. I agree with him on practically everything, but he would be a disaster.
Jeb Bush. An oxymoron. With the emphasis on moron. A complete dysfunctional nut who looks like the safest man in the room. He’s actually a white Obama; he doesn’t like Americans. What Yale can do to a man.
Marco Rubio. A pretty boy who can make moving speeches and has no experience. What’s wrong with this picture?
Chris Christie. If you want to elect an oaf for president, he has to be a charming, plausible oaf. Like Clinton. There’s nothing charming or plausible about this guy. Almost everybody has already sussed this out. Go away.
Mike Huckabee. Governor of Arkansas. Been there, done that. Next?
Rand Paul. Next?
Ted Cruz. He’s the guy you want to nominate if you plan to win the next presidential election. Just not this one.
Sarah Palin. I’m her biggest fan. She’d probably make a decent president. And she’s beautiful. My wise old granddad used to say of such women, “She can put her toothbrush in my valise anytime.” But she cannot, will never, be president.
Scott Walker. On the plus side, he has no college degree. On the minus side, he has that appalling, glaring bald spot. Doesn’t he know about the aerosol product that disappears a bald spot with paint? What else doesn’t he know? Wisconsin is its own fatal handicap.
Donald Trump. Pullease.
Rick Santorum. See the candidate assessment above.
Lindsey Graham. Sure, she’s got the LGBT vote locked up, but I’m not sure the country is ready for a Lesbian president.
John Kasich. Ohio has produced multiple presidents. Not many good ones. Enough said.
Ted DeMint. Who?
Jeff Sessions. Haley Barbour with a functioning brain. It’s not enough. Country won’t elect a Deep South mushmouth.
Bobby Jindal. When is an Indian not politically correct enough? When he’s not a Native American but an Indian-American.
Rick Perry. All right. I’m thinking. Give me a few more months. But I’m liking the glasses.
George Pataki. I wouldn’t mention him except that I used his picture up top. Now I’ve mentioned him. Are we done yet?
Almost. One more hopeless semi-candidate on the list.
Mitt Romney. Famous for indecision. He decided absolutely this time that he wasn’t running for president. Then he allowed as how he might be persuaded to reconsider. Really?
So here’s what I’m prepared to do. I’ve invited Mitt Romney to brunch at the Green Room in the Hotel DuPont. While we feast on crab legs, eggs Benedict, and pre-noon champagne (meaning me, not the Mormon prig), I will keep repeating the adverb “really” until he gets it. I swear.