My Stopgap NFL Strategy


Right now I’d be willing to shut the whole thing down. The prospect of a Seahawks-Patriots Super Bowl is as close to a double dose of Melatonin as an old geezer like me can take. But that’s not in the cards. Yes, the Patriots always cheat and get away with it. Yes, the Seahawks always act like back-alley muggers and get away with it. What else is new? They’re going to play a game bent around an endless halftime show featuring some no-talent or other, and the best I can hope for is some saucily spiced boneless chicken wings prepared and paid for by someone else. What else is new? As I said.

BUT! I have an idea for next year. Wait till you hear it.

The president can issue one of his unconstitutional edicts forcing both Tom Brady and Peyton Manning to retire. Think of it! An immediate end to the endless blathering about the two of them. Peyton is obviously shot and Tom is obviously a crashing bore. What could redeem the two of them and the NFL at the same time?

A brand new typically creative NBC sitcom called “The Odd Couple.” Think about it. One boring old pretty boy who gets booted by his supermodel wife winds up rooming with a querulous old jock whose whole family has finally grown sick of his pizza commercials. The two of them rent an apartment in Queens (got to get the gay angle in these days, right?) and the fireworks begin.

It’ll be so cool. Retirees, shut-ins, invalids, and horny old women will kick the ratings through the roof as Tom’s OCD fascination with the mirror and his hair styles drives loutish, hick-Cajun Peyton through the roof. One is a would-be Bostonian sophisticate from the Midwest, while the other is a would-be Midwesterner from the Deep South. Raw oysters or gourmet catfish and grits? Savile Row suits or, uh, suits hand tailored from down south somewhere? Appletinis at the Ritz or Belgian beers nobody’s ever heard of at the Ritz? Constant quibbling, phone calls between agents, gorgeous women who can’t decide between a perfect nose and a broken one, Maseratis or custom Corvettes? The suspense just builds and builds, along with the list of cameo guest stars out on bail…

Her too. Why not? Tom can throw up, Peyton can send her out for a pizza and bar the door. FOFL, right?

Her too. Why not? Tom can throw up, Peyton can send her ass out for a pizza and bar the door. FOFL, right?

…Thereby accomplishing the real mission. Which is to distract from the ongoing dissolution of NFL football into a dreary thugocracy of media blowhards, flash in the pan diva stars, felonious millionaire Pro-Bowlers, idiotic sybarite owners, and increasingly embarrassing attempts at cover-ups of all the above via gestures in the direction of political correctness.

The Odd Couple should be a ratings success at least until the NFL can agree to rename the Redskins the “NARAL*,” short for Native American Reparations and Litigiousness.

Can't show you the new helmet yet, but it's predetermined to be an iconic version of this pic, just prior to her pro-choice decision.

Can’t show you the new helmet yet, but it’s predetermined to be an iconic version of this, just prior to her pro-choice decision.

Then we can all get back to the business of watching Patriot scandals and Jets/Giants soap opera while ridiculing the fans of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Oh. Did you say football is played outside the northeast? Really? Where do The Odd Couple have their apartment? See what I mean?

Perfect strategy. Why I’m so so good.

* Not to be confused with the other NARAL, because the NFL has no political positions of any kind.

P.S. Actually, I’m serious about getting these two out of the NFL. They’re getting tedious.


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