NSFW: NIH survey studies Meaning of Life. Yup. It’s all about breasts.

Our own Helen Mirren. She's always known the Meaning of Life. Like all intelligent women.

Our own Helen Mirren. She’s always known the Meaning of Life. Like all smart women. What did it cost to learn? Ask the Obama thumbsuckers.

Two hundred million dollars. That’s what it cost to confirm what all men know. No significant accomplishment of western civilization would ever have been accomplished without female human breasts.

Gays will no doubt demur, but they’re a tiny minority. The rest of us have gotten up every morning, gone to war, elevated our artistic sensibilities, written novels, made movies, built buildings, manufactured civilization itself from the subway to the skyscraper, all because we want access to this treasure women carry inside their blouses.

And now women think this gives them special privilege to run things. Maybe it does. But I doubt it. There are women who have brains and ability not located in their breasts. But truthfully not many.

Well. Women can do a lot of things. They also do these kinds of things.

They’ve been coasting. On their breasts.

Which is kind of a shame. Except that they really do have breasts. All of them. Magnificent. Miraculous.

Oh. The NIH study. At a cost of $200 million they determined that women actually have breasts and that men find them attractive. Lots of quantitative data to confirm. Nipples seem to figure in to the attractiveness equation. When asked how much breasts affect male ambition, the percentage was 98.6 percent. Women have virtually no ambitious response to breasts. Which is why, according to the study, women lag in competing with men.

One more sad chapter in the War on Women.

  1. Alfa’s avatar

    Ah, but what good are brains and ability without the breasts?

    Stupid spending bureaucrats.

    Reply

  2. Peregrine John’s avatar

    Most gay men I know love breasts as much as the average straight man, and cheerfully get away with anything they can on their “harmless” cred. Not sure it motivates their accomplishments, though.

    So this took that much money to verify? What is it these days with science having to prove what everyone already knows? And how did I not know Helen had such a well-sculpted rack?

    Reply

  3. Instapunk’s avatar

    Frankly, PJ, You weren’t paying attention. I’ve been watching the nakedness of Helen Mirren for a couple decades. She’s a woman. A vanishing breed. My wife hated the movie The Wife The Cook The Thief and Her Lover because it was a bad movie. I loved it because Helen Mirren was so comfortable with her nudity and sexuality. Sigh.

    Reply

  4. Peregrine John’s avatar

    Holy crap. I forgot that was Helen Mirren in that one. Nope, I’m ashamed to not have remembered. Whose they were, anyway. Yes, a bad movie, but wow. I’ve heard that she’s managed to get at least partly nude in every decade since the 60s, but most of those films I haven’t seen – except for Excalibur, which I saw before having any idea who she was, The Cook, Etc. where for some reason I had no memory of it being her, and Caligula, which I didn’t get far into before losing my appetite. Adored her for a long time, though, via more clothed roles. Superb actress, and by all I’ve heard, a wonderful woman.

    Oh, this reminds me, if obliquely: I’ve come to agree with your conclusion on “the supremely untalented Gwenyth Paltrow,” as you called her at least once. Having recently re-seen a couple of her movies, I wonder at my own patience at her performances. Cute only gets you so far.

    Reply

  5. Instapunk’s avatar

    As I said. Yup. Those are some beautiful breasts. You have a pair (at least almost) as beautiful at home. Enjoy them and quit hating everything and everyone else. Unless you pathologically can’t help it.

    Reply

  6. Ron’s avatar

    No significant accomplishment of western civilization would ever have been accomplished without female human breasts.

    Indeed. We would all have starved as infants. *wink*

    Yeah, I know what you mean.

    Desire for access to breasts spurs all kinds of achievement. But actually being in their presence can really lower male IQ. Maybe that’s why so many “power women” who want to be respected for their brains instead of their bodies still can’t resist plunging necklines…

    re: Helen Mirren. I enjoyed her Prospera in “The Tempest” (2010). I was apprehensive about such a gender-bend at first, but Mirren in the role worked really well. In fact, turning the relationship with Miranda into a mother-daughter one changed some of the dialog subtext. I also thought Djimon Hounsou played a great Caliban.

    Reply

  7. Barbara’s avatar

    Now I can’t stop thinking a about Nancy Pelosi’s huge breasts and Hillary Clinton’s tiny ones. What can we infer from that (those)?

    Reply

  8. Instapunk’s avatar

    So glad you’re back I can’t even respond. Give me a few hours to digest what I’m sure is a brilliant comment.

    Reply

    1. Barbara’s avatar

      No response required, RL. And no brilliance to address. Your piece made me recall that back in high school days we said there was an inverse correlation between a girl’s breast size and her IQ. (Probably most often repeated by those of us who felt inadequately endowed and prayed that nature wasn’t finished with us yet.) Nancy Pelosi came to mind as an example of a melon-breasted dunce, to illustrate the axiom, which brought thoughts of Hillary and her puny display. Perhaps she is the world’s smartest woman, as we have so often been told.

      Reply

      1. Tim’s avatar

        I thought Obama was the world’s smartest woman.

        Reply

      2. Barbara’s avatar

        Heh, Tim. Wish we had a ‘like’ button here.

        Reply

      3. Barbara’s avatar

        500 accidents in Moscow in the past 24 hours and it was all about breasts.

        http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/boob-adverts-moscow-vans-500-accidents-24-hours/1/396052.html

        Reply

      4. Peregrine John’s avatar

        Danged if I can find that study. Can you point us to it? There’s a lot of fun to be had with this, methinks.

        Reply

      5. Instapunk’s avatar

        In here somewhere:

        http://grants.nih.gov/grants/glossary.htm

        Sorry. Lost the specific link.

        Reply

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