All right. You progressives hate America. Enough of this death by a million cuts. Just go ahead and do it. Kill America dead. The most effective policies aren’t hard to figure out, even for us righty troglodytes.
Every major agency of the federal government, and increasingly every municipal police department, has its own SWAT team. Turn them loose to carry out your fondest wishes.
Find and burn every copy of the U.S. Constitution in the land. You know you’ve always wanted to. Forget rewriting it. The idea of a law you can’t remake in accord with your newest post-modern whim has never been your long suit, has it? Enjoy the bonfire. Bring marshmallows. Vegan marshmallows, mind.
Round up all white heterosexual males registered Republican or Independent under the age of 60. Put them in a reeducation camp. Castrate them. End the Conservative War on Women (and such) once and for all. Enough with the speech codes, the micro-aggressions, the talk of triggers, the endless blather about marriage, the bullshit contraception controversies, the end of any more need for angry homosexual and transgender exhibitionism and the resultant hysterical tantrums. Just cut their balls off. All done. Then women and such will be free to be women and such. uh, mostly.
Round up all the pro-life Christians and put them in a reeducation camp. Import thousands of Jihadists to behead or crucify them all. No need to instruct them on how to handle the nazi Palestinian-holocausting zionists. Just point.
Bronze the Congressional Black Caucus. That way you’ll always have them the way they are now, photogenic and compliant, and as perpetual as a gerrymandered district in congress.
Will that accomplish all your goals? By no means. You’ve got this sense of mission about reducing the carbon footprint. You don’t just hate America. You hate humanity. So. Do it. Make abortion compulsory for all white women. Or just tie their tubes. Margaret Sanger knew everything you need to know about sterilizing the undesirables. Don’t stop there, though. Round up all the scientists who are climate change deniers, put them in a reeducation camp, and lobotomize them all. Then castrate them too.
Use ObamaCare to perform compulsory euthanasia on all white people 60 and older. That’ll make a dent, eh?
Who have we got left? Your treasured, persecuted minorities. They can do what they like, given the confines of the 100 percent tax rate, which ensures a continuation of the fine living enjoyed by your legions of government bureaucrats who nominally serve dependents by ignoring their needs utterly and devastating the urban areas where the majority of them presently live. Important exception though. Remember your fiery convictions about gun control? Anyone caught owning a firearm must be executed immediately by firing squad. Including all members of the evil U.S. Military.
Now we’re starting to get somewhere. It’s called thinning the herd. The carbon footprint will be cut by two thirds. All inconvenient dissent will be silenced. There can be no possible future for the racist patriarchy of this ill begotten nation because there will be no children, at least none that long survive. The great Mother Earth will be far better off.
Details. Shut down the Internet completely. (Yes, you progressive luminaries can keep your cellphones, as long as they keep working.) Shut down all newspapers but the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Chicago Sun-Times, and the L.A. Times. Shut down all broadcast and cable television except for The Glorious Presidential Golf Channel. Something the newly green laborers in the agricultural fields — er, everyone who doesn’t work for the government once the cities collapse — can enjoy after a long day of growing organic vegetables fertilized by human excrement. Once a week they can see an informative message movie starring Matt Damon or George Clooney. As long as they hose off the human fertilizer first. Oh. Forgot. No more domestic animals either. Time to end the patriarchy’s tyranny of animals too.
The Hispanics who survive the gun executions can mow your lawns and take care of the president’s golf courses. Also, maybe, if they have the time, manicure the campuses of the elite prep schools and universities where you send YOUR children to do drugs, hookups, and no critical thinking or learning of any kind. Good progressive kids are those with hostile porridge for brains. Otherwise they might figure out how much you despise them too. The Eloi only you are willing to protect from us morlocks. The Betas you sired at great expense and inconvenient time out from your Alpha careers. You must be so proud. Here they are. And for only fifty grand a year through eight years of Groton and Princeton, they emerge like butterflies, only half as dim-witted as you have always been. No threat. Because no future. You will see to that, which is your infallible way.
Sound like heaven? Of course it does. Everyone will finally be equal, except for you ones who are more equal than the rest. The last generation of the astonishingly gifted who have the right to rule the rest of us. Granted, it doesn’t solve all the problems in the rest of the world, but they’ll take care of themselves pretty handily. Everyone knows America has always been the source of all their problems. They’ll do fine from here on in. Most everyone knows they’ve been in love with death a lot longer than Americans, and they’re just dying to follow your lead. And you’ll be the ones who get to watch it all happen.
Unless you forget to kill the imported jihadist killing squads. But you wouldn’t make a mistake like that, would you? Of course not. You’re the smartest people who ever lived.